PEACE

God's Pattern.....

“Easy Child.”, God said to me after I wrote the first part of this post.

That’s right, this is about to be a long post. I just now realised just how seriously my mind spirals. I mean, when I start to write things down, I realise just how clustered my mind can get and why people say journaling is important. Sometimes, you just need to write those thoughts down to clear your head and think a bit clearly.

He said to me, “What are you saying my love? This isn’t true anymore is it?”

I want to talk about the peace of God and His patterns……

Let me share with you first and foremost, in practical ways, how His peace works.

You’ll find below two write-ups that show how chaotic my mind can get when I am trying to process things and the different ways my mind wander. Let’s just say there is God’s truth in some parts and there is my truth, and both of them are not the same.

Let’s see if you can guess which is which 😌😂

I initially didn’t want to share because I felt it was too raw, but God said to do it and what can I do but obey? 🤷🏽‍♀️.

*************************************************************************************************************

ONE

This feels so RAW writing it. I’m full out sobbing.

I believed for a long time that I couldn’t be loved. That no man could really truly love me. That even though they did, it won’t happen immediately. It will take time. In fact, they may just not be able to stand me at first. And yes, this stemmed from a wrong perception I had of myself growing up.

You see, I had to cut my hair growing up. My school made new hairstyles every week and I had a very tender scalp. It took a month for a simple hairstyle to stop feeling tight on my scalp, and another month for my scalp to get comfortable enough for my hair to start growing again. My scalp did not like the pressure that came with hairdressers’ tight hands. And my mum saw the pain I went through, and being the amazing mother she is, she fought me and made me keep my hair really short all throughout my life till University, with the exemption of holidays though. We both agreed I could do my hair during holidays because I could leave it in for a long time.

But the young and naïve me felt like it was a sign of weakness. That I needed to keep hurting my scalp to get it used to the pain. To be like everyone else. I wanted to be beautiful, like my sister, like everyone else. I wanted to stop hearing the same question every single term “Why did you cut your hair?”. And so, I thought I was ugly.

Ugly.

Such a heavy word to use. But then I thought I was. And somehow I felt invisible. Unnoticed. I had crushes but I don’t think they noticed me. Even if they did, they didn’t see me the way I wanted them to. They didn’t see me like that. They didn’t see me and go “Wow!”, or “She’s my crush.” In fact, I was barely noticed.

I recently saw a picture of myself when I was younger and I felt this love towards myself. God has healed me a great deal, so I grew to eventually love myself as I was. I saw myself and all my rough edges and I smiled, and it was such a genuine smile. A genuine love for myself. A smile of endearment. I remember I showed it to my boyfriend, and he said I look beautiful, and instead of smiling at that, it rubbed me off the wrong way. I didn’t believe him. It made me feel a kind of way. I wanted him to say the opposite for some reason. I haven’t dissected it enough to know why, but that’s how I felt.

This year I’ve asked myself serious, honest questions.

“Do you want to be in a relationship?”

“Do you want to get married?”

“Why?”

“To whom?”

“Are you ready for marriage?”

“Are you interested in marriage?”

Somehow the Holy Spirit got me to admit that these are things I’ve wanted as a result of others. Society. Friends. Family. But, I desire love. I desire companionship. But reaching deep, I realized that I got my parameters for love from books I read growing up. Don’t get me wrong, I know the difference between fantasies and reality. Being a writer myself. But there were elements I decided I wanted. Elements I’m still speaking to God about. Elements that have never matched my reality though. Hence the questions.

“What do I want in a husband?”

“Who is my ideal type genuinely, and why?”

I’ve had to ask myself these things recently. And knowing God, I had to be honest, and also be realistic. Being honest and being realistic are two different things. But it helps to answer both to know for sure.

Anyway, back to my backstory…..

All of a sudden, I’m “beautiful”. I got to the university and I started making hair. My dream literally came through. It didn’t matter that I had damaged my hair when I made my last summer hair before Ss3 final term. I just wanted to be beautiful. I just wanted to grow my hair. Now mind you, not because of anybody. I am very self-aware. I read a ton of books, and I already stopped caring about boys a long time ago. And this influenced my need to find my sexual identity, and also why I questioned it in the first place. But God knows His daughter and He told me exactly who I am and who He created me to be.

But then, there’s a dilemma. I started getting attention. I had prepared my mind for the possibility of getting attention from a guy. Just one guy. My possible husband. Heck! I had prepared myself for the chances of that not happening. I had accepted the possibilities of remaining single for life, just focusing on God, my purpose, and His Kingdom. But suddenly, I’m getting attention from guys! Guys! Plural!

I did not prepare for that. And for the first time, I’m seeing how that affected me. On the one hand, I had become logical, so I attended to every prospect, from a logical standpoint. This helped me avoid unnecessary relationships. Decide when situations needed to remain at the friendship stage. But I never really addressed what that meant and I struggled with what it meant.

“What does it mean when a guy likes you? What do you do when a guy likes you?”

I struggled with that. To the point where I made decisions based on how a guy felt. Initially, I ran away from it. Then I noticed this and called myself out on it. So I stopped running, but I still did not know fully how to address this. I did not know what to do. And so what did I do? Every guy became a possibility. I would first ask myself and my answer would first be “No”, then I would think about it, and it would slowly start changing to probably. Possibly.

Being as logical as I was, I still am actually, I embraced my singleness. I relished it. Comfortably and confidently flaunted it. Relationships have never intimidated me. I enjoyed being single, a little too much though. The question of having a boyfriend never really moved me. I do desire it though. I desire love. Maybe even marriage, but from a unique perspective. I think deep down I never accepted that it was for me. Or, it has not been at the forefront of my mind, never really. I anticipate it as an event that will eventually happen, but I don’t know when, and a part of me has somehow accepted that it may never happen.

Now comes the next question….

“What is wrong with me?”

“Why don’t I want this?”

“Why don’t I see us getting married?”

“Why am I suddenly put off by thoughts of marriage?”

“God please help me…..I think I’m losing it….🫠”

And that’s where we are folks. Still having this conversation. So many things still being unveiled. I’m just not there yet.

This newsletter says “A Journey Through Life” with me. The Holy Spirit reminds me from time to time that we agreed to be as honest and real as possible. And not doing it for anybody else as much as I’m doing it for myself.

So here it is.

Somehow, selfishly, I still desire a partner. A relationship. Hopefully, eventually, marriage. But I don’t know if it’s something I need to be in now.

“Then when?!”

“I don’t know…..”

So….

To answer the major question….

“Am I in a relationship?”

“I don’t know……” (my initial answer when writing this).

I want to, though, eventually be in one. And I can’t wait to eventually sing ‘Freeze You Out by Sia’.

************************************************************************************************************

TWO

CHANGE

The only constant next to God.

Life truly gets ahead of us and as someone who pauses every now and then to look back and see how far I have come, thanks to the Holy Spirit, I know about change a great deal.

It happens all the time. It is always happening.

It can be very subtle and if you are not conscious enough of it (not to say you need to be), you won’t know when you’ve gone down a different path and become a different person.

I am painfully aware of life. Call it a gift. Call it a curse (not a bad one though, I believe there is such a thing…). I am painfully aware of people around me, add that to the way God has chosen to communicate to me about people, I usually feel it strongly. Which is why I could sometimes classify it as a curse. I see things most don’t (and no, I am not a seer). Usually my feelings stop me in my tracks and then I see. Let me be brutally honest with this thought. A friend of mine has changed. Not in a bad way. If I’m being honest, in a good way actually. Will not over-exaggerate it though and say a great way, but certainly a good way.

I feel that we are drifting apart. We are headed in different directions. Directions that may eventually bring us on the same path briefly in the future, but different paths all the same. We are both progressing in our different lives, and if you asked me, I would say they have gone wayyy ahead of me. And not in a way that says I am behind, just in a way that says we are not on the same page anymore.

I trust God. I trust His plans for my life. Not the easiest thing most times, but He has such a track record in my life that I cannot doubt His ways, even when I don’t understand them. I know I am on track in my life with Him. I know I am exactly where I need to be and at the pace He will have me right now. I don’t know about my tomorrow as clearly as I want to, but I know my future. I know what He has planned for my life. I know where we are headed. That future. That destination. How I will get there, I don’t know yet….

I think that’s the hardest part of knowing that future now. Because you know, unlike some other people, you don’t plan like they do. You cannot plan the way they do. All we can do and keep doing is pray, trust and work hard at everything He gives us to do. He’s currently teaching me to stretch. Stretch beyond what I am used to. Give things my best and my all and strive for excellence, leaving the rest for Him. Not necessarily to get acknowledged. It’s practice. It’s my training, for where He is taking me.

I am learning to let go this year. To turn my eye away from other people’s lives and focus on mine. To focus on Him, and my destiny in Him. He is calling me into deep, and I feel it every single day. We are making plans to meet…

Earlier I mentioned this friend of mine. I am currently mourning our friendship. Not because I am sad per se at how our lives are turning out, but because I know without any doubt, that this is the change that needs to happen. They are going to be great! I am going to be great! But different journeys, different destinations. And I would be lying if I didn’t say it doesn’t hurt. It hurt for a while before actually. Now, it’s dawning on me why.

I still want to hold on though. I want to still keep showing up and keep trying. I am not perfect and I am not trying to be perfect….or am I? Maybe I am. Maybe I am trying to see if things can be fixed. I am telling myself not to give up just yet. Telling myself until the other person says they are not doing anymore then and only then do I let go. Am I just lying to myself though? Am I avoiding the truth for as long as I can, stretching this out for as long as I can?

I think sometimes we initiate the change…sometimes, our actions initiate the change, and sometimes it’s not such a bad thing. It’s only life. It was meant to be.

Let’s just say I don’t do well with farewell. I like to keep everyone in my life.

Is that my job though?

(Re-reading this days after and I may just have realised that this was for someone different than who I initially thought. I thank God I gave Him permission to take over because even I didn’t see this initially.)

*************************************************************************************************************

I wrote the second piece whilst pondering on a matter that was disturbing my heart and mind. I wrote the first one whilst spiralling.

Are you really interested in what goes through my mind?

Is this really anybody’s business?

I don’t think so. Not going to say I don’t care though.

I care, about people, a lot.

But that won’t influence my need to be raw and honest and unapologetically me, especially about my not so perfect days.

Spread your wings and fly Ruth. Sometimes a lack of knowing is good because then you can properly experience life, and more than anything, trust God with my tomorrow.

Not everyone will understand, but is that such a bad thing? Hold on to whose, and who you are. Trust Him. Trust you. Your instincts. He gave them to you for a reason.