I literally just came from trying to make a video and failing at it and I feel so down. This year, in a way I’m trying to step out of my comfort zone and try to do things I won’t normally do. Like make a video for example. Record myself speaking. It’s usually so easy for me to have the conversation off camera, just allow my thoughts flow, not really bothered about how I look because I know it’s just me talking with only God present. He isn’t even usually physically present but I know even if He were, I’m so used to speaking to Him freely, it won’t be as difficult.
I won’t stop trying though, recording myself having certain conversations that I believe, and the Holy Spirit tells me the world needs to hear. At least it will bless a few people. But when someone else asks me to make a video and our power supply decides to fluctuate and not be available for use, and the whole week it hasn’t felt like the best time to shoot. All of a sudden, I feel the deadline begin to suffocate me, and I have to present something but it’s just not working out. That’s when it starts to get to me. That’s when I genuinely want to stop trying and just stick to writing. That’s when I feel like I’ve let someone down and I’m not capable of keeping to my words or performing well or showing up when I need to.
I’m still very young and I’m still easing into a lot of things. Learning a lot of things. But I just can’t help but still be hard on myself because I feel like I’m not just for myself now, I’m representing an excellent God, my family, people who know me and I’m trying to ensure I protect a certain reputation even if personally I prefer to just be invisible. It’s usually more comfortable and safer to be invisible. But I haven’t unlocked the ability to be invisible and still be great, to still bring in good money, still travel around the world and live the life I want. Still working on it….
These are just my thoughts at the moment, February 3rd, 2024. 13:37 pm.