Selfless

Don’t Be Too Focused On Only What You Want For Yourself From Others

There are so many things we don’t talk about that we need to talk about. My dad still has the wrong perspective towards counsellors (psychiatrists really, but they are counsellors too, and important ones at that), and trust me he really really needs one. In fact, I dare to say all of Nigeria needs one. Most of us are hurting and we are so focused on our own personal hurt we fail to see others. We also magnify the hurt instead of addressing it objectively and looking for solutions, plus, taking actionable steps to be better. 

I’ve learned to pay attention to people to see their hurt, I am very imperfect in dealing with it but I’m learning. Unfortunately, the issue is, you focus so much on helping someone even as a hurt person yourself and that person does not reciprocate it. The person does not take time out to really look at you too, to pay attention and also lend a helping hand. Most of us focus more on diagnosing a person, and we mostly get it wrong. Instead, we should focus more on understanding the person, getting the person comfortable enough to share and not be alone in what they’re dealing with, then if possible, also working with the person to figure out how to feel and be better.

Nigeria. Africa. We don’t do ‘feelings’. So we don’t talk about them. We have a lot of stories surrounding trauma and abuse that we prefer to sweep under the carpet instead of bringing out to the light, and addressing. We go through so many things that are wrong experiences, terrible experiences and we brush them off. We go on living life acting like we are okay, but we are not okay.

Do I blame them for sweeping things under the carpet though? No, I don’t. We know why we keep quiet. Why it’s so much easier to be mute on our hurt experiences rather than share, because a lot of people don’t know how to handle people’s hurt the right way and so it’s better to stay quiet on it. You tell the wrong person and you’ve shot yourself in the leg. This isn’t just an African thing, it’s a world problem. So we would rather suffer in silence than expose ourselves to more hurt and that is very justifiable, but the problem remains.

So what’s the solution? Be that person who can make people comfortable to ‘not be okay’ and to share their hurts. Be that person that helps others overcome terrible experiences. We don’t even have to be experts, all we have to be to others most times is genuinely present and genuinely available, even if we do not have the answers. It actually starts one person at a time. If every individual takes it as a sole responsibility to be to others the kind of person they need, maybe we get a chain reaction, maybe we rub off on more people and get more people to join us. Maybe we increase the number of selfless people on the earth, especially if it’s impossible to completely eliminate selfish people.

I had a conversation recently about expectations, and I try not to have expectations when it comes to people. Kind of like how the Bible mentions giving with your right hand and your left hand not being privy to the action, it doesn’t really fit what I’m about to say, maybe it does, but I try to give without expecting anything in return or without announcing what I’ve given. And I don’t mean only physical gifting, but lending a listening ear and being available to people. That’s something I observed. We are kind and we expect kindness in return, when we don’t get kindness, we stop being kind. Why? Why should people determine who you are? Why not be to people, who you desire them to be, to you, even if they aren’t to you?

I try to be there for people. Who sent me? Nobody ooo I promise you😂. I have a passion for people and just helping out any way I can. I talk to God a lot so I have a mind to think He always helps me and He will always help people through me so I try to be available. But I don’t do this expecting people to reciprocate. People almost never reciprocate. Being good and kind will be frustrating if you’re only being good and kind expecting it in return. You choose to be available to people, but it will be frustrating (talking from experience) if you’re only doing it expecting to get it back. I’m learning and we all should too, to do it in spite of.

I implore every individual to try to look more at people and pay more attention to them. Imagine if everyone had the mind, the heart, the consciousness to pay the same attention they so desire to another person. If we were more selfless than selfish, then we would become people that we want others to be, indirectly showing them and helping them become the people we need. 

This also applies in romantic relationships. I honestly think relationships could serve as healing grounds, you don’t necessarily need to be ‘the one’ to each other, but you can be the man or the woman your partner needs in that short time you’re together. You can show up for each other and instead of expecting your partner to act in a certain way, you focus on being the kind of person your partner needs. You may attract the wrong people but don’t change who you are because of the wrong people. No, walk out of toxic situations, learn from it and still focus on being even better. I promise you, kind of like a magnet, you’ll attract the right one in good time.

Why do you think, as a man, you don’t qualify for a woman you know you want and would marry? Because you’re more focused on who she should be for you alone, you’re not asking yourself who you need to be for her. Are you the kind of man a woman needs, not wants now, but needs. Do you know what makes a man? (Westlife reference🤭).

But the same goes for women. You’re looking for a man you want and need, are you the woman he also wants and needs? Are you also becoming the woman described in Proverbs 31, or are you just claiming to be that woman, but you’re not?

Try to be to people how you want people to be to you. Put others first. Pay attention to people. But also don’t allow them to take you for granted. Find others, who like you, put others first too. We all need somebody to lean on, but we should also be someone another person can lean on.